You know me -- I'm your friendly Scoopospheric CheeseburgerBrown.

As some of you may know, I don't have a real job. I sit around in my house and try to make my living by screwing around with computers. This has worked out pretty well for the last seven years, but lately I've hit a bit of a dry patch.

I know I've bitched about being poor before, but that whine must serve only as prologue: I've never actually been without work for this long since dropping out of school to find my...uh, fortune. I've spoken with some friends in the industry and they have also had a teeth-kickingly bad winter. So at least I'm not alone. But this is a small comfort when there's a mortgage payment to be made...my bank is notoriously humourless.

I have several projects "in development." This basically means I spent lots of time and long distance minutes having conference calls with cool cats from the big city, yapping and mawing about future work, and how wonderful it will be. I'm also cultivating new clients, by bending over backwards for them and doing work "on spec" in order to establish the necessary levels of trust to get access to real budgets. My wife and I drive to enthusiastic sales meetings, and then try to figure out how to pay for the gas to get home again.

We mail out DVDs and cross our fingers. We sit by the telephone and pray.

It is clear that I need a new rock to squeeze for blood.

And so I turn to the Scooposphere to broadcast this desperate spam: this whore is for hire.


Product Category #1: Custom Article Writing

At a loss how to re-invest in your website? Looking to draw more targeted traffic? Commission an original article by veteran web-typist CheeseburgerBrown!

My articles have been featured on the front page of high PageRank sites like Bike Reader, Kuro5hin, Red Rover, Write On!, Tuxedo and more. The famous piece Death By Cheeseburger is renowned across the web, cited as an authority on the subject of fast food in Wikipedia (currently battling it out with songster Jimmy Buffet's chain of restaurants for #1 on Google).

My articles alone generate about $25 a month in advertising revenue for my own small, eclectic, low-traffic website. Imagine what a crafted piece of keyword-dense wry CheeseburgerBrownadelia could do for a real site with actual traffic!

I have been offering this service for three weeks, and have received three commissions. So far everybody involved is very pleased with the results. Don't let yourself be the only webmaster on the block without an original CheeseburgerBrown article on your site to help you claw the most polly out of the search engines.

Information on commissioning articles: http://mfdh.ca/writing/commissions
Examples of writing: http://mfdh.ca/writing

Please note: No commissions will be accepted for academic papers of any kind. Don't bother asking. Plagiarism is double plus ungood.


Product Category #2: Original Illustrations

I draw, I paint, I ray trace.

Is a loved one's birthday coming up? Nothing says "I loves ya classy-like" like commissioning an original piece of artwork. Works wonders for wooing, too -- chicks think it's sensitive.

Does your blog look like everybody else's? Nothing says "I rock da blogosphere!" like eye-catching, memorable headline banner art that doesn't come from a clip library. Templates are for weenies. (Please note: I am not a website designer, so don't bother asking. I do illustration, not layout.)

Self-publishing a book? Wouldn't it look better with a cover that doesn't suck? (Hint: yes. Remember, most consumers make their purchase decision based on the look of the cover. That's why there are always pretty pictures there.)

Have a blank space on your wall? I can fill it. Impress your friends by saying, "Yes, I had that commissioned for peanuts -- desperation breeds savings, eh? I am teh cultural elite!"

Works can be bought or licenced, in hard copy or electronic form. Shipping costs are not included in any quoted price. Contact me via e-mail for more information: cheeseburgerbrown@gmail.com

Examples of my drawings: http://mfdh.ca/drawings


Product Category #3: Animation, Motion Graphics & Special Effects

On the off-chance that you're a broadcast or corporate video producer, please do take a look at my demonstration reel. StoryZoo Studios offers a three-pronged approach to our commercial services: we enhance existing videos, we digitally repair shots gone wrong, and we create high-quality original content.

And we mercilessly undercut the competition.

Whether you're working in HDTV or Standard Definition, you can add that extra layer of sophistication to your video or presentation with broadcast-quality animation and titling, depict the impossible with affordable special visual effects, and fix the errors of incompetent boobs with digital magic!

Mac or Windows, on-site (Ontario only) or via teleworking: let StoryZoo Studios make you look better. If we can't provide the creative service you need, we can put you in touch with someone who can through our extensive database of reliable freelance associates.

StoryZoo Studios website: http://www.storyzoo.com


This now concludes my spam. Thank you.