All I Want for Christmas is...

1. An Agent: Even though I have nothing worthy of publishing at this time (or even close to it, for that matter), I would like my very own literary agent. He or she should have lots of powerful connections in the publishing business and should be able to secure large six-figure advances armed with nothing more than a few notes scribbled on a bar napkin. The perfect agent will forego commission and work for beer and pizza instead.

2. A Write-O-Matic: I saw these advertised on TV once, but couldn't write the phone number down in time due to a bout of writer's block. In case you missed the commercial, it's a special scanner, keyboard and software package that all the popular writers are using (I know H.K. Rowling has one). Once you hook it all up to your computer, you lay your head on the scanner, press the "publish" key on the special keyboard (it's the only key), and then go out to the mailbox to pick up your royalty check. Stephen King has made millions from his -- and he just *sits* on the scanner!

3. A Red Ryder Double-Shot, Carbine-Action BB Gun: I *know* I'll put an eye out with it, but I still want one anyways.

4. A J.R.R. Tolkien Bobble-Head Doll: Because it would just look so damn cool on the dash of my old VW Bus.

5. Literary Fame and Fortune: If you can handle the first two items on my list, this one is redundant. But just in case you can't deliver an agent and a Write-O-Matic on such short notice, I'll settle for a large pile of cash and an appearance on Letterman.

That's it for now, Santa. If I think of anything else I'll let you know right away. In the meantime, I'll be making room under the tree...



S.F.