To a certain extent it is anxiety.  I try not to care too deeply about things, because as soon as I've convinced myself something is important I freeze up like a deer in headlights, desperately looking for something less important to distract myself with until my chance at success has failed again.  That's probably why my A level brain only seems to get B and C level schoolwork done these days: it doesn't help when you can only do the homework once your chance for turning it in has passed.  That's been ruinous enough, nowadays I have too many units to qualify for financial aid, and no real confidence that I won't fall into apathy if I try to risk something as pretentious as a loan.  I miss school.  :(

There is also the apathy.  The crushing, obsessive and unforgiving apathy.  Sometimes it's hard to even move, though I've been getting better at reducing those afternoon length depressions.  Imagining a good mood can do amazing things.  It's not a sourceless depression either, but rather a hopeless one.  Being something of a scientist I have learned enough to see that every piece of evidence in all of existence is explained by the laws of Physics.  More specifically the laws of Thermodynamics.  I have never seen an exception to that nefarious concept known as Entropy, and if it truly is inviolate I can't justify bothering to exist at all.  Big if there though: if Entropy has no exceptions than everything will eventually crumble apart and die, vanishing to the sands of time that creep inexorably to the death of our sun and the universe itself.

Of course the universe's heat death is so far away I could care less, but even in our everyday life we are massively affected by the laws of Thermodynamics.  The Entropy of the universe always increases, they say, which means that things never un-fall apart.  People never come back from death.  Guh, death.  Edifices crumble, and never un-crumble.  Things must kill each other for sustenance.  It's all leading back to time's arrow: Entropy.  The increase of universal chaos.  Though we may reduce Entropy in a small area, like the way we benefit from the sun's rays, overall it has to increase, like the way our sun is going to go out eventually.

So enough about that.  Suffice to say, until I find an exception to Entropy, i.e. magic, I will have a very hard time convincing myself that anything is worth doing.  Simple Hedonistic pleasure is well and good, but long term stuff seems to require hope, a quality I am sadly lacking in these days.

Apathy and anxiety are the cause of my block... probably, I'm pretty sure.  Heck it might just be the weather, not enough rain where I live.  x.x  Somehow I think if I could find a way to write my stories again I could find a way to fix this mess I've made of this life.  Solutions to that problem aren't easy to come by though, and what few I have tried have thus far not produced enough results to help much; not even sure they work at all.  Anyone know how I can beat this writer's block, let me know.  :)  Warning, I have already been advised to stop complaining get off my arse and Just Do It.  I'm doing that now... not working very well though.

Starling